Happy Insomniac

Mr. Wrong

by Alan Pritchard

Lemme ask you something...you're looking for Mr Right,
right?
Well, guess what?
He's been watching you,
silently--an invisible stalker,
reality-show-watching every minute
of your waking and sleeping life,
observing your mannerisms, your hopes, the way
you treat yourself and others...
but particularly the way you treat yourself.

And he's heard every thought
that has gone through your brain--especially the ones that bring you
pain and stain the reflection
you see in the bathroom mirror. He's watched
you get ready for a big night out,
watched you practise your "smile with clout,"
your cheeky grin,
and knows how thin you look in those jeans. Knows how
cataclysmic an untimely zit can be,
knows the hell
when there's no more hair gel and you have to leave, like, now.

He's heard you practise your cumming voice,
he's seen you measure your thing,
He knows what your farts smell like,
and which porn sites are likely to bring
you little moments of joy. He's even watched you
with your "secret" toy. Which
you need to clean, by the way.

And he's watched you come home,
with him and him and him and
them and him and him and him and
then...
funny thing,
he...stopped watching you.
He got tired of
waiting
for the
interesting bits
of your life to begin.
I won't tell you how.
He's watching "World's Most Amazing Videos,"
now.